LEPTON HIGHLANDERS ON TOUR (2006)

Monday 23 October

Espana here we come! 28 bleary-eyed members of the Lepton Highlanders U13 tour party meet up at Liverpool Airport at the ungodly (or should that be undigodlio) hour of 05:00. The Womersleys couldn’t be bothered to show up but sent Josh and the suitcases.

Despite the Easyjet lack of seat allocation policy, the entire party is gathered together at the rear of the plane on flight 7203. Some regretted being in the vicinity of Michael Jessop but most people tried to catch up on their sleep (Ann Robinson included).

The touchdown at Barcelona was a bit like Andy Murfin, that is incredibly smooth. We were met by the local representative for Sports Tours and shown to our coach. How cool did it feel to see a coach with the name “Lepton Highlanders” on the front windscreen?

The coach transfer to Salou took about 90 minutes, the last 10 minutes of which Happy Chappy Carlos (our bus driver) spent trying to locate the hotel. When we found the Hotel Villa Romana, we were all very impressed (apart from with the chicken(?) baguettes). Our rooms weren’t ready so for some members of the party, this meant adjourning to the hotel bar. Still you might as well start as you mean to go on.

The rest of the afternoon was free-time until a “training session” on the beach at 5 o’clock. World War III might be a more accurate description of events as even the Germans/Japanese never sunk so low as some of the tactics employed by the team in orange bibs/red shirts. Gordon certainly set a precedent for dodgy refereeing on the trip and accusations of cheating were certainly not far wide of the mark. The result of 5-3 to the Orange Bibs over the Whiter than Whites was the biggest miscarriage of justice seen outside The Court of Appeal. Most of us weren’t too hungry that night due to the amount of sand we’d been eating in the training game.

The hotel restaurant offered a great choice of food and after dinner, surprisingly we adjourned to the hotel bar, although some members of the party were already finding this room to be very familiar territory. There was a Kids’ Disco as our entertainment and Adam Holt proved to be the best challenger from the Highlanders in the In/Out Competition. This went to prove that Adam sometimes does listen to what he is told!

Tuesday 24 October

After the night before, it was probably a good job that breakfast was not served particularly early in the hotel. By this time our numbers had been swelled by the arrival of the remainder of the Womersley clan, who had travelled independently of the main party. Despite Nigel’s navigational skills (he blamed Tom-Tom for the fact that they went to Tarragona, although it is a bit harsh blaming your youngest son for getting lost in the middle of the night), the Womersleys had finally made it to the Villa Romana at 2 in the morning. However, they were certainly looking fresher than some of the other members of the party at this stage.

Gordon won the prize for not turning up for breakfast in the hotel – he had to go to our good friend Buddys for a “traditional English”.

The morning was freetime so many of us ventured into Salou itself. At this early stage, it was becoming obvious who were the “most loved-up” couple on tour. Meanwhile, we were thinking of sending out a search party for Richard Morley who had popped into the town but seemed to be having problems finding his way back to the hotel – a lost soul in Salou?

Two o’clock and we were picked up for our trip to Barcelona. The size of the coach had shrunk from yesterday but the size of the driver had increased considerably. We all just about squeezed on to the bus (Elaine was missing as she was under the weather). The journey to the Camp Nou seemed to take for ever but was broken up by some interesting songs from the rear of the bus. There were also a number of interesting odours emanating from the rear of Ben Robinson.

Camp Nou itself is a pretty impressive stadium, which from outside does not look that special but once inside, you cannot fail to be impressed by the size of it. The museum featured an impressive array of trophies (perhaps exceeding even the haul that Lepton Highlanders has achieved over the years) as well as a powerful set of football related photographic images from around the world.

After the tour, we visited the Barcelona FC Megastore so that the kids could spend all their euros. For some bizarre reason, the new home kit for this season was not to be spotted anywhere (they had sold out the day’s allocation) so the boys would have to wait to secure a home shirt.

We then boarded the coach and Francisco, our coach driver, appeared to lose his bearings as we seemed to do a complete circle in the vicinity of the stadium such that we came back to the same junction some 20 minutes after previously passing through it! Traffic was heavy so it was a good hour before we eventually reached the district of Martotelles, the first game on tour.

The stadium was an impressive little complex. The boys were allocated a dressing room whilst the parents were sent up to the stand. No doubt it was Darren who helped to locate the bar to ensure that liquid refreshments were available to all the spectators. We had to watch the last few minutes of an U12 match between Martorelles and a team from Portsmouth with the home team winning the game by a massive margin.

But before we knew it, the two teams were emerging side by side from the main stand tunnel and in Champions League style were lined up by the halfway line, and exchanging handshakes. Then the two skippers exchanged pennants, or Declan would have done so if someone hadn’t forgot to bring the pennant with them! But don’t worry, Gordon, we won’t mention any names.

Then the game was underway. The pitch was an Astroturf surface so the bounce was true but high. Lepton were quickly into their stride against what seemed skilful opposition but our boys were taking the game to our Spanish opponents. The vocal backing from our supporters was very loud as the San Miguel helped to loosen a few tongues. In particular, Gill W stood out from the crowd.

Then came a historic moment – Lepton Highlanders’ first ever goal on foreign soil. The honour went to Ryan Evans as the boy Evo turned in a near-post cross. Not long after Kerby McKenna hooked in a speculative effort from the corner of the penalty box. Easy-peasy this international game lark?

However, Martorelles came back strongly as Lepton made a number of changes which disrupted the rhythm of the team. Either side of half-time the home team scored 5 goals in little over half an hour. We have to say that the quality of some of their finishing was of the highest order and Adam in goal had no chance with any of their goals.

But our boys being our boys, they wouldn’t give up and came back with a flourish in the final quarter of the match. Despite much pressing our only reward was a penalty from Josh Womersley and the match ended 5-3 to the home team.

The boys had acquitted themselves extremely well in what were strange conditions. There was no doubt that the home team had an advantage in that they were used to playing on that kind of surface. Our referee was very fair, although it was soon obvious that you could not raise your foot more than a couple of inches off the ground (about Eddie Robinson’s waist height) without being penalised. Our opponents were also well-versed in the art of flinging themselves down on the floor and rolling around in apparent agony.

All in all, a night that our boys should remember with pride, despite the scoreline. We were soon on our way back to Salou and soon thoughts of the defeat had been replaced by thoughts of food as most of us had not eaten much if anything since lunchtime. McDonalds seemed a popular choice but we needed to get back to Salou. There seemed to be a clamour for a porn dvd to be shown on the TV but none was forthcoming and, to be honest, we needed the erratic Francisco to concentrate on his driving.

It was a long haul back to Salou and we eventually got to our resort by 10.45 pm. Francisco kindly dropped us off on the front where the majority of the party  headed for McDonalds and others for a takeaway pizza. The latter group managed to make it back to the hotel with the pizzas still warm so we can only surmise that they took a more direct route back in the dark than Richard Morley had managed earlier in the daylight!

Wednesday 25 October

This was a “free day” for the majority of the day as we were not due to be picked up by coach until 4.30 in the afternoon.

People spent the day either lounging by the pool (Andy Murfin was particularly adept at this), sleeping (Ann Robinson was particularly adept at this) or mooching round the town of Salou. For those who ventured out, Barcelona shirts seemed to be the order of the day and in Salou, they seemed to be more than a third cheaper than would have been the case in Barcelona itself.

Our second match was much more local, indeed the trip to Vilaseca took only 15-20 minutes. At least Gordon remembered the pennant this time but Dave Godley forgot where his balls were so we had to ask the opposition whether we could play with theirs. Vilaseca thought that we were Scottish as we were the Highlanders but McKenna and McGivern come from mad Irish stock.

This time the pitch was a clay surface. Not ideal for falling over on. With the exception of George Saunders, all our boys were only kitted out with astro-trainers whilst the opposition wore moulded boots. Strangely, a number of the Vilaseca lads were not wearing shinguards – this would not have been allowed back in Blighty (that’s Blighty not Brighty who wasn’t with us on this trip). This was a baking hot day so the warm-up was kept to a minimum as it was a big pitch. One of our spectators, no names disclosed, managed to catch 40 winks on the terraces but I think she did wake up for the game.

We very nearly did not have a referee and in someways we wish he hadn’t turned up at the last minute. Ironically, on the one occasion that Gordon remembered to bring his pennant, we didn’t get one back in return from the opposition. A very different surface to the first match and the ball had a habit of running away from the boys. Lepton dominated the early proceedings with Kerby in particular looking dangerous on a number of occasions.

However, half time came with the scores still blank. Lepton had run the show but had no score to show for their efforts. Early in the second half, one of Vilaseca’s midfielders waltzed through our defence to score with Lepton appealing in vain for offside (there were players in an offside position but the not the goalscorer who came from deep). Lepton continued to completely dominate the game but could not find the right cross or the decisive finish. Backing from the touchline continued to be vociferous as the parents continued to find a bar to help lubricate their throats.

Lepton continued to be frustrated by their inability to convert all their dominance in to goals and by the antics of our opposition and their ability to fall down. This frustration started to show as we began to lose our shape and started to question every decision made by the ref. This culminated in the final minute of the game when cards to match the colours of the Spanish flag were shown to two of our boys as things boiled over. The final whistle went and incredibly we had lost by that only goal of the match. If the score had been 10-1 to Lepton Highlanders it wouldn’t have been an injustice.

So the match ended on a rather sour note. This was compounded by the fact that some local youths had been throwing stones at Adam in goal. This led to a “confrontation” between our group and these kids who were told in good old Anglo-Saxon where they might find their bicycle pumps inserted!

So our exit from Vilaseca was a little bit tasty. In all the excitement, Dave Godley forgot to hand back the dressing room key – still I’m sure that they have locksmiths in Spain. As Vilaseca did not give us a pennant, perhaps we can hang up their keys in the Highlanders’ clubhouse as a memento of our visit!

Back to the coach and the boys were downcast about the defeat for about 90 seconds. They then treated us to an interesting song about Yogi Bear and friends.

We returned to the hotel and after dinner, we just had to adjourn to the bar. It is difficult to say whether the glass was half-full or half-empty on this tour. All we can say is that as soon as the glass was empty it was replaced by a glass that was full.

Nigel treated us to a reminder of those memorable occasions of him slipping bottom over chest (oh sweet visions of his escapades at Lepton United and Scissett in particular) as he took a slight tumble at the bar. Meanwhile, Ann and Andy’s drinking competition could only be decided upon by counting the number of visits to the loo – a decision-making process that Ann won hands down.

Thursday 26 October

After breakfast, we met up for our visit to the local theme park. For us peasants it was a stroll to (rather than in) the park whilst Lord and Lady Bareham hailed a local hansom cab. For some reason, Ann hadn’t joined us this morning – she must have been trying to catch up on her sleep. We had to collect our tickets at Port Aventura – you should have seen everyone’s faces when we told them that we’d come on the wrong day and that our voucher  was invalid!

After that wind-up, it was time to enter the park. We knew that Darren wouldn’t let us down and the first drinking outlet we came across allowed him to top up on the San Miguel.

For the next 6 hours, we were free to go where we wanted within the park. I think that we would all agree that Port Aventura was a tremendous day out. The cost of admission was about 2/3rds of that for Alton Towers. The park was not particularly busy and there was only a brief period in the early afternoon when any length of time was spent queueing.

Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves even though one or two stomachs were probably left behind on the odd rollercoaster ride. Special tribute must be paid to Nigel who stoically went on all the rides which was a considerable achievement given the colour of his face at the beginning of the day (nothing to do with bar activities the night before).

At about 5.30pm we left the  theme park and walked back to the hotel. Lord and Lady B took the easy option again. Somehow Evo managed to get in the taxi both ways so he must take the title of the laziest boy on tour.

After dinner, it was surprise, surprise back to the bar. Still it wouldn’t be a late night as we needed to be up early in the morning. Tonight it was karaoke night so Ed and Kerby were terribly excited at this prospect. An enjoyable night was had by all with Ed, Elaine and Darren starring among the elder members of the party. The boys sang several tracks as a 13 man ensemble and managed to get the audience on their feet (and walking out in to the lobby!)

Another great night and yet again we managed to be last out of the bar to maintain the fine traditions we had established throughout the week. Congratulations to Ann for staying awake throughout the evening’s proceedings.

 

Friday 27 October

It’s an early start as everyone meets in the lobby of the hotel for 07:30. Even Nigel made the effort to see us off (the Womersleys are staying on until the Monday). A slightly anxious wait as the coach turns up 20 minutes late but eventually we are on our way and make good time back to Barcelona airport. Everyone is doggone tired and many snoozed during the journey (including Ann) and it was a very quiet coach.

Check-in at the airport was quicker than on the outbound flight and before we know it we’re all on the plane for the trip home. Goodbyes had been said to Elaine and Gordon who were off to Majorca to spend a few days in Palma. Again we were congregated at the back of the plane but we were a very quiet group as events of the last few days caught up with us. Many dozed throughout the journey (Ann included) whilst Darren introduced some of the boys to the delights of pontoon and cleaned them out of their last few remaining euros.

Surprise, surprise when we land at Liverpool it is raining and is about 10 degrees cooler than Spain. Debby is there to greet us and the convoy is soon on its way back to Huddersfield. The only hiccup was Dave Godley losing his credit card at the car park ticket barrier (those Scousers will nick anything) but that eventually got sorted.

Mid-afternoon we were back in Huddersfield and a memorable venture was at an end. Many people were asking where we would go next time – who knows? However, on is certain is that everyone had a wonderful time and that there would be many great memories, particularly for the boys who conducted themselves extremely well over the course of the trip.

VIVA LEPTON HIGHLANDERS!

TOUR AWARDS

One of the traditions of being on tour is to nominate members of the party for awards to recognise their contribution to life on tour. Here are the details for the Lepton Highlanders tour party.

DRINKER OF THE WEEK

Possibly the most prestigious category of all. Many candidates and nominations were received for Elaine Bareham and Ann Robinson, but there could only be 1 winner. For his services to San Miguel and for coming up with the most feeble excuse for a hangover by claiming it was drinking tap water that was causing him to feel unwell, it has to be DARREN PARKINSON.

SCORER OF THE WEEK

Kerby McKenna came close with his attempts to fraternize with the senoritas. But this award goes to a lad who achieved a number of firsts on the trip, but will be remembered for scoring the first ever international goal for Lepton Highlanders, RYAN EVANS.

FOULER OF THE WEEK

Ben Robinson supplied many a foul smell during the course of the week. Nominations for this dirtiest tackle category were received for Andy Murfin, Andy Murfin and Andy Murfin. However, our winner is, for her disgusting scything down of Dave Godley in the beach game, is GEORGINA GODLEY.

THE MOST SENSIBLE VERSION OF HIS FATHER

This award goes to the boy that speaks just like his father, although with probably more sense! He is, the walking FC Barcelona encyclopedia himself, GEORGE SAUNDERS.

TONY HANCOCK BLOOD DONOR OF THE WEEK

There were several candidates for this award as many of the boys gave blood on the pitches of Spain but our winner is, for managing to cut open his knee on his first day here, TOM WOMERSLEY.

INSOMNIAC OF THE WEEK

Nominations received for Michael Jessop and Declan McGivern (first boys to bed most nights) but there can only be 1 winner. She will sleep everywhere, be it on the plane, on the coach, on the terracing at Vilaseca. She probably doesn’t even know that she has been in Spain. Our overwhelming winner of the Insomniac Award is ANN ROBINSON.

WORST BEHAVED GIRL ON TOUR

Only 1 contender. This could only be BECKY JESSOP. Bizarrely, the committee also awarded Becky the title of Best Behaved Girl On Tour.

SQUEAKY CLEAN AWARD

Little did the boys know that we had a skeleton key to be able to access all their rooms to check up on their tidiness standards. Definitely NOT nominated for this category were the Robinsons, Kerby Mckenna & Mark Godley. Our winner has to be the guy who does not have a hair out of place and is more obsessed with tidiness even than his mother, and was under strict instructions to keep his dad in line – RYAN MURFIN.

MULTIPLE TIMES BITTEN BUT NOT SHY AWARD

Our most attractive person (and not just to mosquitos) on tour and winner of this category is ELAINE BAREHAM. Apparently, she has been itching to win something but we are only beginning to scratch at the surface of unearthing her talents.

JOHN TERRY RUN THROUHG A BRICK WALL AWARD

His motto is “The bigger they are, the harder they fall”. He just goes to prove that a good littl’un will always beat a good big ‘un. Our winner is BEN MORLEY.

DANCING QUEENS OF THE WEEK

Adam Hoult received an honourable mention for being our In/Out Champion, but our Dancing Queens can only be :

KERBY McKENNA(juniors section)

ED ROBINSON(seniors section)

THE SMILING ASSASSIN

The best smirk seen all week was on this lad’s face when he came over to “console” little Pedro, the Montarelles striker, who was writhing on the floor in “agony” and had been brought to tears. It was never a foul Pedro so pick yourself up. Our “Smiling Assassin” is MARK DI GODLIO.

LOVEY DOVEYS OF THE WEEK

Whilst there was strong support for the Dave’s (Godley & Jessop), this award can only go to LIZ & DAVE JESSOP. No doubt they will come up to collect their prize hand-in-hand.

FRONT TO BACK CHAMPION

Our next winner was one of the quieter but one of the happiest members of the party. He started the week at the front of the coach and has gradually working his way to the rear of the coach. On Friday  his prize will be to sit on the centre seat on the back row of the bus – LUKE JAGGER.

THE OTHER WOMAN OF THE WEEK

This next winner is also someone who we thought to be a quiet member of the party but has proved to be a bit of a dark horse. Not only was she nominated for the “I’m going to bed now, but could still be found in the bar 2 hours later” award, but she scooped this particular title. Apparently she likes to service men’s appliances in her room. Mrs Parkinson was somewhat taken aback when she phoned Darren’s mobile and JULIE HOLT answered.

ORPHAN OF THE WEEK

A number of boys have travelled alone this week. But our Orphan of the Week is the lad who, even when his parents eventually turned up at the hotel, they didn’t want to stay with him – JOSH WOMERSLEY.

SUNBED KING OF THE WEEK

In order to preserve his perma-tan, this award goes to ANDY MURFIN. Or as he prefers to be known, Andreas Von Murfin, was seen putting his towel out on the sunbeds at the crack of dawn (but then Dawn wasn’t complaining).

THE STEVEN SPIELBERG AWARD

For services to cinematography, commended in this category was Ben Robinson for his crotch shot of the girl we were all trying to guess the age of. Definitely not commended in this category is Elaine Bareham after her filming efforts at the Vilaseca match. This award has to go to GORDON BAREHAM, who has pretty much filmed every single moment on tour. His recording, however savagely edited, will only just be longer than his normal end-of-season speech.

Gordon also won the following titles – Dodgiest Ref Of The Week (although there was some competition from a certain Spanish gentleman) and Idiot of The Week (for forgetting his pennant against Martorelles – his memory is showing signs of “flagging”).

HOOLIGAN OF THE WEEK

We thought he was responsible for smashing the poolside goal net with the strength of his shot (but this might have been Kerby), but he tried to instigate WW3 with some German kids over a dispute at the pool  table  - LEWIS PARKINSON.

WIFE’S WARDROBE ON WHEELS AWARD

Without doubt the largest suitcase on tour was brought along by STEVE EVANS.

BEST PORTABLE WARDROBE OF THE WEEK

Rather appropriately following on from the previous award, this title goes to MARGARET EVANS. Managed to change her entire outfit after the Camp Nou visit in time for the game at Martorelles.

THE CHRIS TARRANT AWARD

Given to McGivern. Gameshow host of the week just had to be DECLAN McGIVERN for keeping the troops entertained with his various quizzes. Dec also pipped a number of worthy candidates for Most Talkative Kid of the Week.

PORN KING OF THE WEEK

This could only be awarded to the person caught with the lads’ mag on the plane – ADAM HOLT. Adam, together with Luke, also was nominated for the Spiderman Award for their balcony climbing efforts (don’t try this at home, folks).

LAZY SOD OF THE WEEK

Couldn’t be bothered to bring his own luggage and used Ed Robinson as his mule in his drugs smuggling operation. This award goes to NIGEL WOMERSLEY if he can make the effort to come and collect it – or shall we take it to him.

Nigel also predictably took the Fall of the Week title after his tumbling display in the bar on Wednesday night. There was fierce competition for this honour from 22 Spanish 13 year olds. (ps after the awards were dished out, Nige also faced competition from the German(?) who managed to fall off his bar stool and on the stairs but Nige will always be our champion – it’s become tradition).

DRUG INDUCED SHRIEKING OF THE WEEK

Highly commended in the shrieking stakes were Liz and Becky Jessop. She kept relatively quiet when I accompanied her on the Stampida rollercoaster, but our winner is, for outstanding performances in both the games, GILL WOMERSLEY.

BIG MAC AWARD

Came out of the closet (as apparently did his Dad) to reveal himself as a secret lover of McDonalds – much to the disgust of his parents – MICHAEL JESSOP.

Michael also nominated for Best Bags Under His Eyes Award (and this was when he was one of the first to retire for the night – he must like his beauty sleep).

THE TOM-TOM AWARD

Perhaps one of the most fiercely contested categories of all.

Nominated were :

Dave Godley – for attempting to drive to Manchester rather than Liverpool on the outbound journey

Francisco the bus driver – for taking 20 minutes to take us back to same junction in Barcelona from where we started our journey from the Camp Nou.

Nigel – for driving to Tarragona not Salou in his hire car

Nigel – for attempting to walk into the wardrobe rather than the bathroom for a pee.

But our winner, for his navigational skills, is RICHARD MORLEY. Only Richard can take 45 minutes to get from the beach front in Salou back to the hotel.

SKUNK OF THE WEEK

Nominated were :

Michael Jessop- for his efforts on the plane flying to  Spain

Francisco the coach driver (or was it Gordon) for the strange smells on the coach – who asked for the air conditioning to be turned off?

But our winner can only be BEN ROBINSON for repeatedly stinking out the coach.

MR ANGRY OF THE WEEK

A number of parents confronted the stone throwing youths of Vilaseca, so commendations for Andy Murfin and Darren Parkinson. But this title goes to DAVE JESSOP.

THE MARK BURRELL TOTALLY LOST IT AWARD

Or the Mrs Angry of the Week. Rather appropriately, as they always like to do things together, this goes to LIZ JESSOP when breaking up the cushion fight on the coach.

BUT EVERYONE DESERVES AN AWARD FOR MAKING THIS THE BEST LEPTON HIGHLANDERS TOUR EVER.